Anxiety and Waiting

As we wait for the first call from whatever counselor we have been assigned by OA&FS, I cant help but feel anxious.  We were told that we would get a call within 10-12 business days after they received our paperwork.  It has now been 14 business days and no call yet.  I want so badly to get that call soon!

I find myself  unable to make appointments, unable to sign up for overtime, because I want to leave my schedule as open as possible for that first meeting with our counselor.  It is so difficult to be patient and wait for that call.  Waiting has once again filled my mind with doubt and anxiety.  Fears I thought I had overcome have risen once again to the surface.

I find myself thinking that maybe, based simply on our background checks and intake forms, they have decided we are not a good fit for their agency.  I wonder what could possibly be in those forms that would keep them from calling to set up that first meeting.  I fear that they have decided that we would not make good parents and we will soon get a letter in the mail saying that they have decided not to work with us.

What if I am not fit to be a mom?  What if OA&FS sees something that I don't and realize that I am not cut out for motherhood?  What if the fact that they haven't called yet is a sign from God that this is not meant to be?  What if all my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother are not to be realized?

It sometimes feels like I keep pushing against a mountain that in the end will not budge.  That the path I think I see on the other side of that mountain is just a mirage, that it is not really there at all.  That all my efforts, all the work, all my prayers, will be for naught.  That the mountain that stands in my path will never move be removed and I will spend my life trying to achieve something that I am not meant to achieve.

Are these thoughts and fears rational? Probably not.  Are they founded?  Probably not.  Are the productive?  Definitely not.  Are they real and hard to dispel?  Absolutely.  Despite the onslaught of anxiety and fears I am feeling, I know that God is in control.  I know that whatever happens, and whenever it happens, it is by His hand.  I know that He has a plan and, when the time is right, He will reveal it to me.  I will wait for His time, trusting in His plan, knowing that He only gives the best to His children.  

I pray patience, I pray for peace, I pray I don't fall apart during the wait.  I pray that I don't take my fears and anxiety out on those I love.  I know that God hears my prayers.  I know I need to let go and let God.  It is not easy in any way, but I am trying.  God grant me patience and peace!

I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.  Psalms 40:1