As the weather starts to turn cold, as fall and winter slowly approach, I am reminded that it will be another holiday season without a child. I had so wanted to be able to finally share these wonderful seasons, this magical time of year, with a child of my own. When this year began, I truly thought that I would finally get to hold my child in my arms by the time Christmas was here. That I would finally get to buy a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament for our tree.
I had dreams of waking up Christmas morning to the sounds of our child cooing sweetly in his or her crib. Images of our child snuggled up in some soft, warm, adorable Christmas pajamas. Spoiling our child shamelessly with clothes and toys that she would not remember. Family photos in front of the Christmas tree, strolling through town looking at Christmas lights. All these things I thought, I hoped, would finally be mine this Christmas season.
As we continue to wait for our counselor to schedule our Intake interview, I realize that none of that will happen this year. I will still be waiting to be a mom this Christmas, that all those dreams will remain just dreams. Wishes that will go unfulfilled this holiday season. There will be no Halloween costumes, no Thanksgiving outfit, no Christmas outfit, no spoiling with gifts, no baby in my arms.
I never thought that the path to parenthood would be so long and fraught with such difficulties. Yes, I knew that it would take time, that there would be waiting and things would not always go smoothly. But, I had no idea when we started trying to adopt that it would take so long. Three years of trying, three years of waiting, three years of hopes raised and hopes shattered. Three years of dreams not coming true, of hopes and desires not realized.
It seems so unreal that we are still waiting. It seems unreal that people that have only recently decided to start their family are pregnant. It seems unreal that the gift I desire the most, is still so far out of my reach. At times I feel that I am destined to be constantly disappointed, that I will forever be wanting and waiting but never receive. Regardless of how things seem at times, I know that, while I can not control the wait or the journey, I can accept it and embrace it. Or I can let the constant disappointment, the endless waiting, get me down. I choose to accept and embrace it.
I have faith that all will be how God has planned it, which is why I have not lost hope. This adoption journey is not for the weak, is it? I am not strong enough to walk this journey on my own, Gods strength is what carries me through. Realizing that I am weak and unable to walk this path alone, that I must turn to God to get through, strengthens me and keeps me from despair.
That is why, for Christs sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10
I know I must wait longer to become a mother, to have my dreams fulfilled. I know that this year, the holidays will come and go with no child of my own to share them with. But I know that one day I will hold my child in my arms, one day I will be sharing the holidays with my little one. I look forward to that day when my dreams come true, when God finally gives us the gift of a child! God give me strength to wait, keep me from despair. I cant walk this path without you. Amen.
"He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it." Waiting is one of the more difficult things we as humans deal with. It's these seasons that our Savior lovingly molds and shapes us into his image. As a mother, I remember visualizing the very same things as yourself year after year. I waited. We wanted to be financially set. Seemed like everywhere we went someone was pregnant or had an infant. Be encouraged. Lift your eyes up. You are loved with an everlasting love. So is your precious little one. In God's timing, you will be richly and abundantly blessed with your treasure. :)
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