Some people may think that adoption is about selfishness, or abandonment, on the part of the birth-mother, but neither is true. It takes great strength, courage, and love for a mother to give her child to someone else to raise. It takes great courage, strength, and love for a woman to want to parent a child that is not theirs by blood. Adoption is wholly, completely, irrevocably, about sacrifice and love, pure and simple.
I no not envy the women who are tasked with trying to find just the right family for their children in the scores of families who want to adopt. It must seem to be a nearly impossible task. I know I would struggle with it. My heart aches for them and I pray that God guides them and holds them close. I pray that God gives them wisdom and strength. And I hope that having an open adoption helps ease the fears and doubts these women face.
I have always thought that every child deserves to know as much about their roots, and where they come from, as possible. Not everyone feels comfortable with that idea, and adoptive parents especially find it difficult to think about sharing so much information with their child/children. Not because they do not think their child/children deserve to know, but because they fear that the knowledge will harm their child/children, or their relationship with their child/children.
Those of us who start or add to our families through adoption, fear that openness with the child's birth family will somehow diminish the role we play and/or make us less the "parents" of our child/children and more just the people raising them. This fear is unfounded and uninformed but that does not make it any less real. I have learned that openness in adoption allows both the birth and adoptive families to show the child/children how much they are loved. But, yes, I still fear that my children will end up seeing me simply as the woman raising them, and not as their mom.
Having an open adoption is certainly not going to be easy. It is uncharted territory for us and we will need the help and support of those close to us. The birth family will become a part of our lives in so many ways. I both fear and look forward to that. I fear it mainly because it is something new and untested for us. I fear my child will not bond with us or with our families as they bond with their birth families. I fear that somehow I will screw it up. I fear that it won't be understood by our families and we won't get the support we need from them.
I look forward to it because our child/children will get to know their entire extended family. They will have the opportunity to get to know and love their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, moms, and dads from both their birth and adopted families. I look forward to sharing with my child/children just how much love and care went into their adoption. I look forward to seeing my child/children develop a special bond with their birth families and learn more about where they come from and who they are.
When I think of openness in adoption, I think of a line from the movie "Like Dandelion Dust". There is a moment when the birth mother asks the adoptive mother to make sure their child knew he has two mothers, "One who loves him so much she couldn't let him go. And one who loves him so much, she had to". It is a beautiful, heart-warming, tear-jerking scene and I admit to bawling like a baby every time I see it. I want to make sure our child/children know that they are loved deeply by both of their mothers.
I want to do what is best for my children and give them the gift of knowledge and a relationship with those bonded to them by blood, their birth families. With OA&FS (Open Adoption & Family Service) I know that we will have the help and expertise we need to make that desire a reality. I pray that God gives us the strength and knowledge we need as we walk this path.
For those of us who want more than anything to become parents, being chosen as the adoptive family and being entrusted with the care of a child, is one of the greatest gifts we will ever receive. Yet, we know that our happiness will come at great cost. Two hearts will soar, two hearts will break. But, with openness in our adoption, hopefully that pain can be eased, and peace and love can abide.
"So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love". 1 Corinthians 13:13
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