I have been focused on how happy I will be when I am finally a mother, when someone sees me as being good enough to parent their child. I had not truly considered how difficult that choice will be for the mother who gives her child to us. But, with open adoption, it is essential that I take into account the mixed feelings that the birth mother will have before, during, and after placement. And do what I can to help ease that pain.
These women have to cope with so many emotions during the whole process. They have, for whatever reason, decided that they are not yet ready to parent their child, but that does not mean that the adoption process is in any way easy. Often, these women have to deal with loved ones and family members that might not be understanding and supportive of their decision. They have to come to terms with deep emotions and differing opinions, not just their own, but from those close to them. They will be judged, and sometimes shunned, by the people that should be the most supportive.
How these women find the strength to deal with these emotions and opinions, and still proceed with the adoption process, I will never know. I am in awe of these women. They are putting their child first, above their own needs and desires. They love their child so much and want only the best for them, which is why the turn to adoption. They are not being selfish, or uncaring by deciding to place their child in someone else's home. They are showing immense caring, selflessness, and love by doing so. Their decision will be tempered by intense grief, anger and fear. And we, Josh and I, need to remember that as adoptive parents and do what we can to help ease those feelings.
Open adoption allows the birth parents the freedom of choosing the adoptive parents. This helps in some ways to ease the fears about the adoption, but does not negate the pain of loss. Realizing that, for the birth parents, it is about giving the gift of a family to their child rather then about giving the gift of their child to a family, has made a huge impact on me. Open adoption is for the child and what is best for him or her, not for the parents, birth or adoptive. Adopting a child is so much more than the fulfillment of my dreams, and the impact adoption has on all involved will last a lifetime. I want my child to know their birth families, to know where they come from, which is why open adoption is so appealing.
I pray that, no matter how difficult keeping the lines of communication open may be, that Josh and I and the birth families are able to do so. If I could speak to these women considering adoption, I would tell them that, while I will never understand their pain and suffering, they will always be appreciated and cared about. I want the woman that chooses us as the adoptive family for her child to know that she will always be welcome in our home, will always hold a special place in our hearts, will always be a part of her child's life.
I admit to being nervous and unsure of myself as we continue to press forward with the adoption process. I admit to feelings of inadequacy as a woman and fear that I will not be a good mom. I fear that we will never be chosen as the adoptive family for a child. But, I must not let those feelings overtake me or deter me. I am forced to let go and not trust in my own strength. I lean more and more on God and continually pray for His strength and guidance. He is my rock, the only constant source of strength on the roller coaster ride of this adoption process.
Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Psalms 31.3
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