Reminders of What I Will Never Have

It seems that while we wait to become parents, I am constantly reminded of what I will never have.  The chance to feel my child move and kick in my womb, the wonderful feeling you get when you see see your child in an ultrasound, the amazing feeling at hearing your child's heartbeat for the first time.  It seems like there is no end to the women close to me, and ones I know, announcing their pregnancy and giving birth.  At times it feels like a cruel joke, constantly seeing the glow that these women exude while pregnant, the joy on these women's faces as they hold their newborn child, and the love in their eyes as they look on the precious face of their sweet child.  And not being able to experience it for myself.

It feels at times like I am constantly being shown this amazing blessing and taunted with the fact that it will never be mine.  It makes me painfully aware of my barren womb, my empty arms, my aching heart.  It makes me realize, over and over again, that I will never be able to give my husband a son, or daughter, that is his biologically.  One that has his amazing blue eyes, one with his wonderful smile, one with his unique sense of humor.  It brings up old feelings of inadequacy as a woman and the pain of being barren.

  Does that mean that I am not happy for these women?  Absolutely not.  I am incredibly happy for them and love that God has blessed them such a wonderful gift.   The ache in my heart when I first hear that someone else is pregnant, again, and the knowledge that I will never have that wonderful gift , while initially disabling and sharp enough to drop me to my knees, does not last as long as it once did.  I am able to move past that heartache and pain and focus on the happiness and joy that each new pregnancy and birth bring.

Will I ever feel my child grow in my womb?  No.  But my child will grow in my heart, and that is even better.  Will my child be connected to me by blood?  No.  But my child will be connected to me by love, and that is a connection that can not be broken.  With each new pregnancy and birth I want more than anything to speed up the adoption process so I can hold my child in my arms and finally be a mother.  I want to make it happen NOW.  I am not the most patient person in the world, as many of you know, and I struggle with what seems to be an endless wait.

I am reminded though that God is in control and I must wait on Him and for His timing.   When in the midst of pain and heartache, I turn to God and know that He will give me the strength I need to carry on and strengthen my heart while I wait.

Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thy heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.  Psalms 27:14