About a month ago, my sister told me about a woman she has heard about who was pregnant with a baby boy. She had been told that the woman did not want to/could not keep the child and was looking for a family for him. She gave me the contact information she had been given for the woman. I was excited about this prospect and sent the woman an e-mail introducing myself and my husband.
I eagerly awaited a reply. Knowing that she might not be even remotely interested in us as a potential adoptive family for her baby boy did not change the hope I felt. After two days with no reply at all, I sent another e-mail. At this point I started to feel that maybe this was not going to pan out. But, I still had hope and allowed myself to fall in love with this child that I had never met.
After yet another two days, I finally got up the nerve to call the phone number I had for the woman that the expectant mother was staying with. She told me that they had never intended to let the information about the baby get out and that the mother had already made plans for her child. I thanked her and apologized for taking up her time. I could think of nothing else to say. I was heartbroken.
I had told myself that I was not going to get my hopes up, but if you know me you know that that is impossible. I am not able to hear of a child that needs a loving home and not fall in love with him or her, and hope that somehow I can be the adoptive mother. I was, and am still, happy that the mother was able to make a plan that worked best for her and her child. But I was saddened that I could not have been part of that plan.
I hope that I do not ever lose that hope and the ability to open my heart and love a child that I do not yet know. I know some people would say to close yourself off and not get your hopes up until it is a "sure" thing. But, if you do that, you are not living and lose out on some of the best feelings in the world. I do not for one second regret getting my hopes up, or allowing myself to fall in love with that baby boy.
Each time a lead like that does not pan out, God shows me again that I have the capacity to love and hope. I admit to feeling initially like it is a gift dangled in front of me, to tease me and break my heart when it is hidden again. But I know that God uses those moments to help me grow. He shows me over and over again how much He loves me and how much love I have been given and am able to share.
If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but I do not have love, I have become as sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophecies, and know all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-2
I am shown over and over again that this journey we are on is centered around love. Life is centered around love. Without love we are nothing. Without love we have nothing. I want to always feel that hope and love, to always get my hopes up when I get a lead on a child, to always allow myself to fall in love with that child. The heartbreak risked by having that hope and love is more than worth it. Love is always worth it.
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