As we begin the process of adopting through Open Adoption & Family Services, I am struck by how much paperwork we need to fill out again. I thought there was a lot to fill out for the State but there is more it seems for OA&FS. I think this is mainly because we are in a way "selling" ourselves to the prospective birth parents and need to open ourselves up on paper. In addition to the background check forms, the fingerprints, the financial information, the health information, and the basics about who we are, we have to fill out more in depth forms.
One form requires that we describe what experiences, opportunities and values we plan to offer our child. I do not know many parents who ever had to sit down and think of all that they planned to offer their child and write it in a way that captures the attention and heart of another. We have to describe our child care plans and why openness in adoption appeals to us. The thought and care it takes to write all this out, the effort to show your heart and really think about all these things in the hopes that the woman reading it chooses you as the adoptive family for her child, is very difficult.
We both are also required to write a 2-4 page autobiography that includes; childhood upbringing, family dynamics, education and career path, special skills, interests, passions, any chronic or serious health concerns, faith, values, greatest satisfactions/disappointments, etc. Have any of you ever tried to sum up all of who you are, your entire life and experiences into a mere 4 pages? If not then you have no idea how amazingly hard it is to condense all of who you are into so small a space. And it all must be done in a way that captures the attention of the reader and makes them see that you would be a great parent for their child.
Then, there will eventually be the task of writing the "Dear Birthmother" letter. I both look forward to that and dread it. We will be putting our hearts on the line and opening ourselves up, heart and soul, to women that hold the power of giving us a child or turning us away. That thought is very scary to me and I worry that these women will take one look at who we are and decide we are not good enough. I fear that they will trample on our hearts and that precious gift of a child will never be mine to receive.
I realize that this fear may be irrational and unfounded, but it remains just the same. It has not lessoned my hope in any way and I am still excited about moving forward and doing all we can to become the family I have seen in my dreams. The fear has not immobilized me or caused me to lose faith, but is there just the same and is something I have to deal with everyday as we move forward towards our goal.
Even through this difficult and trying process, I am reminded of Gods promises and His love. I know I have nothing to fear as God is always with me and guiding me through it all. I rely on His strength to carry me through. This verse gives me hope and strength to carry on even when I feel like it is hopeless to continue:
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
Yes, I admit to still feeling that fear, I admit to feeling at times like I can not continue, like I will break. But, in the midst of that fear, God reminds me that He is still there for me and always will be. His love endures and His plans are perfect. I will wait on Him and I know He will not forsake me.
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