About a year after I found out I could not have kids I realized I now had to tell my boyfriend, and any subsequent boyfriends I may have. When is the right time to tell someone you are dating that if your relationship continues and blossoms into marriage that they will never be a father? At least not a father of their own flesh and blood children if they choose to remain with you?
I have never been the kind of person that waits till the last minute to tell someone an important, life-changing piece of information. So, shortly after my boyfriend at that time moved back to my home-town of Crescent City, Ca, I sat down with him to tell him. My heart was in my throat and it was hard to breath. I fully expected him to be upset and break-up with me and I would not have blamed him.
Instead, his response was, "That's ok, I am not dating you for your uterus." You can imagine my relief as well as my shock and confusion. Surely this was just a fluke and he would later grasp fully what I had said and that would be the end of our relationship. He did not and it was not. That first relationship did not work out in the end but it was not because of my inability to bear children. We simply were not right for each other.
Years later I met my second boyfriend, now my husband, and I had to yet again tell this man that barely knew me that I would never me able to give him children of his own. I think I told him on our very first date. I again held my breath in fear of rejection and with my heart yet again in my throat told him he could never have kids of his own if he stayed with me.
His response was total acceptance and that blew me away. He did not run for the hills, he did not look at me with horror, simply said "that's ok, I am not with you for your uterus." Could he be serious? How could he be ok with that? Don't all men want children of their own? Don't all men want their own flesh and blood children? Apparently there are men who are ok with not having children of their own, that first boyfriends response was not a fluke after all...
This man was willing to continue dating me even knowing that I could not give him what I thought all men wanted. He fell in love with me and I with him and after years of dating and getting to know more about each other, he married me. I know he would love to have children of his own but is content to be with the woman he loves and go through the adoption journey with her, with me.
Everyday I thank God for giving me a man who not only loves me, but has stuck by me through this process of trying to adopt. I am forever amazed that this man knows so much about me and loves me anyway. I am forever amazed that this man saw past the fact that I wold be forever barren and saw me, all of me, and somehow fell in love with me.
Telling others is not a scary thing for me anymore, I no longer worry that people might think less of me or that I will be shunned. I know now that being barren is not a curse, it is a blessing, a gift from God. I get to tell my children that I searched for them and chose them, that God made them for me and held them close till I found them. And my husband, Josh, is right there with me through it all with no reservations. I know he will be a great father when the time comes.
Psalm 113:9 - He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!
Love you, Carole!
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