Thoughts

Like most moms, I have days where I am not as good a mom as I should, or want, to be.  I get frustrated, tired, irritable, sad, angry and overwhelmed.  But, unlike a lot of moms, I don't feel I have a right to feel this way.  I don't feel that I should ever get upset, that I should ever feel the need for a break, that I have any right to complain about being tired or stressed.  You see, having worked so hard and struggled for so long to finally adopt, I feel I have to somehow be super-human. That I am supposed to only be happy 100% of the time. That I am not allowed to have "mommy needs a drink" moments.  After all, I prayed without ceasing for years in order to become a mom therefore, I have no right to ever feel the normal emotions all moms experience.

Sadly, I am human and do still feel all those things, the good and the bad.  Each time I have a negative emotion or reaction to something, I end up feeling like such a bad mom, and a truly horrible person.  I feel so guilty each time and end up angry at myself.  I feel like a failure as a mom and unworthy of motherhood.  I know it is not rational.  I know all moms struggle now and then.  I also know that I don't feel like I can have any negative emotions or reactions to things, I am not worthy of being a "normal" mom and having those feelings.  Ever.

For those of you that did struggle for years to become parents, you may have some idea how I feel.  For those that did not have to struggle so hard to become parents, you can never fully know or understand.  It is a really tough, and emotionally draining, spot to be in.

I love Emma Lea Nichole so very much, and I do not feel worthy of being her mom.  Especially during those times when I feel tired or frustrated.  The overwhelming guilt when I have those tired mom moments, is hard to deal with at times.  I wish I was as good a mom to Emma as she deserves.