Journey To Adoption

My adoption journey began when I was 17. I was very active in my local dance community and by 17 still had not started my period. My parents, being the wise and wonderful people that they are decided it was a good idea to have everything checked to make sure there was nothing wrong. We all thought that it was most likely  that I had not started my period due to the fact that I was an avid dancer.


My first inkling that something was not quit right was when the doctor was trying to do the pap smear and she says "hmm, thats odd. Maybe this one is too big, lets try a smaller one." Of course when that did not work either she decided to send me for a sonogram and other tests. I knew deep down that there was something different about my body but nothing could prepare me for the results of all those tests.


The day I found out I would never become pregnant was one of the wort days of my life. As I sat with my mom in the doctors office waiting for the test results I picked up a parenting magazine and dreamed of the day I would become a mother. I wanted more than anything to bear children, lots of children and be a mom. Having grown up in a house with 12 children I could think of nothing better than to be just like my mom, that has always been my deepest desire.


When the doctor finally came into the room and told me "you don't have a uterus", my heart stopped. Those words were akin to being stabbed in the heart. My dreams of motherhood were officially torn away and my heart ripped from my chest. To have my dreams dashed so effectively in one simple statement was physically painful. Not only did those words take away my dreams, they took with it my sense of self. I no longer knew who I was or where I was going in life.


I felt as if I had effectively become an outcast. I no longer felt worthy of being called a woman. What man in there right mind would willing marry a woman who is unable to bear children? I no longer felt whole and complete. I had, against my will, joined a group of women I never wanted to be associated with. I had become a member of the childless community. I was barren. MRKH or Mayer Rokitansky Kuster Hauser Syndrome was the official diagnoses. I was that unfortunate 1 in about 10,000 women to be born without a uterus. 


I thought somehow that I must have committed some great sin, or would some day commit some great sin, to have been cursed so. Women were made to bear children and become mothers. Therefore, in my mind, I felt I must be unworthy of that wonderful gift. How could I call myself a woman if I could not do what women were designed by God to do? 


It seemed that everywhere I looked people were getting pregnant and having babies. Those beautiful women glowed with the gift of life they carried within. I was jealous. I was happy for them but at the same time I was angry and hurt that I could never have that. I would never feel my child move within my womb, never feel my child kick. I would never give birth and hold my newborn close to my bosom. It was not meant to be. I would forever be an on-looker while the miracle of life was born by women worthier than I.


My family was supportive and loving and were there for me even when I pushed them away. To be told that God has a plan in the midst of turmoil, while well meaning and true, was not what I wanted to hear. I wallowed in self-pity for a long time and even now have moments when I cant see past my pain. It would take me years to finally accept myself for who and what God made me to be and realize that this was not the end of my dreams, it was a beginning.


This verse helped me see that there is something out there for even those of us who are barren: "'Sing, O barren, You who have not borne! Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, You who have not labored with child! For more are the children of the desolate Than the children of the married woman,' says the LORD. " (Isaiah 54:1)


I realized that while I may not be able to give birth, that does not mean that I will never be a mother. God has a plan for me and my life, He has a gift waiting for me that is so wonderful and so precious He had to make sure I was prepared. I now know that those words telling me I would never get pregnant was not the end of my dreams. It was the start of an incredible journey that would lead me to places I have never dreamed of.


My adoption journey had begun and while I am still waiting for motherhood, I know that the wait and all the emotional ups and downs will have been more than worth it in the end.