I just found out I was not "normal" and while alone in my room I would cry and ask God why I wasn't. All I wanted was to be normal, to be like all the other women I knew. I wanted to be whole.
And because I wanted that so badly, because I wanted someone to tell me that I was normal, I ended up pushing one of my friends, a dear sister, away. She and I had been very close and could pretend to fight in such a way as to make our parents believe we were truly fighting. We got a kick out of our parents frustration when we did that. She and I were best friends.
She came in to my room one day and held me close while I cried and ranted about not being normal. She told me that just because someone has a uterus was no guarantee that they could actually bear children. What was my response? To tell her she didn't understand and never could because she had a uterus and more likely than not could actually have kids. She was "normal" and I was mad at her for that and so very jealous. After all, what did she know? She most likely could have children of her own and had no clue what I was going through.
I dont remember the entire conversation that day, but I do know that I had effectively pushed my first best friend away and we have never been able to get back the closeness that we once enjoyed. She is married now with 4 beautiful children and while I am still jealous, I am truly happy for her and thank God that she is "normal".
I can honestly say that the one person that I was not able to push away during that time was my mom. She was my rock. She knew that I was having a hard time accepting that I would never bear children on my own and her heart ached for me. She was always there with a shoulder to cry on and to listen to me whine. She held me close and told me that I was loved and "normal" in my own way.
Because of my mom and her love and faith in God, I finally was able let go of my anger and move forward. God used her to help me turn to Him and His word and find peace with how He had made me.
It was because of my moms love that I finally thought of adoption as being more than just an "ok" thing to maybe do, but a wonderful choice. I had always thought that adoption would be something I might do after having a child or two of my own but had not thought of it ever being the only way in which I could become a mother.
Now here I was having to face the reality of never bearing children of my own and adoption seemed to be a loving and wonderful choice, not just an option for later.
I had gone through all the cycles of grief, shock, denial, anger, guilt (this was huge for me, I felt very guilty for a long time), depression, despair and was finally coming to the acceptance stage.
I faltered back and forth, wavering from acceptance back to anger, back to acceptance, back to guilt, back to acceptance. It is not a straight-forward path to acceptance and from time to time I fall back to some of the other stages. There is no way of knowing what will set me back to any one of those early stages of grief but I know now that I dont have to stay there.
I have so much love and support all around me that even if one day all I want to do is cry and ask God why, I know that I can move forward again. My faith in God has only gotten stronger through this and will continue to get stronger everyday. God gave me a wonderful mother who embodied His love and acceptance and because of that helped me move forward.
Adoption was not my first choice to start my family, but it was Gods choice for my life and He knows far better than I what is best. I trust in Him and in His wisdom and I give my life over to His will. Faith & Love are what get me through each day and faith & love abide forever.
The path God has chosen for my life is not easy and there are days when I wonder if the day will ever come when I will hold the child/children in my arms that I know deep down He is creating for me. I do know this, God is ever faithful and He is in control of even this.
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