When you are in the adoption process everyone has opinions and advice, much the same as when one is pregnant. People want to put their two cents in, telling you what you should do, how you should feel, what you are doing wrong, etc. Often, they point out how different they would act or feel, share horror stories and tell you just how many things could go wrong.
Now, I understand that people just want to feel like they are a part of the process, that they are connected in some way, even if what they tell you should be kept to themselves. Peoples filters seem to malfunction or shut off completely when discussing having children, through adoption or otherwise. One of the differences between expectant adoptive moms and expectant pregnant moms, is that most people forget that women in the adoption process ARE expecting. This makes the "advice" and "opinions" come less frequently. At first, it seems like a blessing to not have to hear every ones thoughts all the time, until those thoughts are finally shared. Because when they are shared, it is an avalanche, a freight train, a hurricane of unwanted, sometimes hurtful, advice and opinions.
One of the misinformed opinions I hear often is; "That child will be so blessed to be adopted by you!" Actually, it is I that will be blessed by that child. I am not a rescuer, nor a savior. I will be a mom, blessed by God with the gift of a child, plain and simple. A variation of that statement is "That child will be so lucky to have you as a mom!" Again, it is I that will be the lucky one.
Another "opinion" that I have heard, many times from many people, "If you want a child so badly, why don't you just adopt an older child?" Most of the time, I hear this from people that have children already. What bothers my about this statement, is that is demonstrates a complete and total lack of understanding and empathy towards those that can't have children biologically and are trying to adopt an infant.
Similar to the above opinion is that, snide, judgmental question; "What about the older children that need families? Don't you think they need love too?" Yes, they need love too. Yes, they deserve to have a good home and a loving family. And, at some point we may adopt an older child. Right now though, at this moment in our lives, we are trying to adopt an infant. It is our decision, our lives, our family. Deal with it.
Of course there are also those that want you to know that "It is OK to not have kids. Sometimes it is just not meant to be. Learn to live you life without children of your own." That opinion often goes hand in hand with the opinion that "Maybe your not being able to have kids biologically is Gods way of saying you aren't supposed to be a parent." Really? Really? Saying that to a hopeful adoptive mom is akin to saying to a mom that just lost her child due to a miscarriage that "Maybe it was just not meant to be." The thoughtlessness and callousness of those types of comments shock me.
I could go on and on about the stupid things people have said, but then this would turn into more of a book then a blog post... I do not mean to imply that misinformed, callous, thoughtless comments are all I hear. I hear many wonderful things too. There are many people that show a great deal of love, understanding and support in the things they say. I simply want to demonstrate the kinds of comments that people should think twice about before saying out loud. And to those that have been supportive and uplifting during our adoption process, a heartfelt thank you!
I can't wait to hold my infant in my arms, I can't wait to be the mom I am meant to be, and when we are finally chosen by a birth-mom, I will be the blessed one, I will be the lucky one. When that day comes, you can bet I will be the happiest woman in the world!
I may not know what possesses people to say the hurtful things they say, and we are all guilty of saying hurtful things, but I will try to show patience, love and understanding when stupid , hurtful things are said in the future. Especially since I have not always answered unkind, hurtful comments with understanding and kindness.
Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving on another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
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