Every now and then something happens that reminds me of all the things I can never give my husband. Something that, on the surface, should not be cause for me to feel bad. Last Friday, we had some friends over for a barbecue and one couple is expecting their first child. My husband was talking to the mother about the baby moving and asked if he could hear the baby if he put his ear to her belly.
She said she did not know, so he asked if he could try it and find out. She allowed him to do so and he went over and gently placed his head on her stomach. He did not hear anything but when he pulled his head away he saw the baby moving and his eyes lit up. He placed his hand on her stomach and, for the first time ever, got to feel a baby kicking and moving. The awe in his eyes said it all. He was enthralled, enraptured, amazed.
The moment was so sweet, so endearing, so precious. I loved seeing him so happy. And it broke my heart. I was reminded that, because he is married to me, he will never get to experience moments like that with me. The first time he has ever gotten to see and feel a baby kick was with a pregnant friend, not with me. I felt so bad that he is stuck with a woman who cannot fulfill the most basic of womanly functions, child-bearing, and wished more than ever that I were able to give him that gift.
He could have easily found a woman able to give him the gift of children, and yet, he found me. Because he is with me, he will never get to experience first hand, the wonderful, amazing, gift that pregnancy and child-birth is. I had so often thought only of what I could not have due to my infertility, that I had not realized what my husband could not have. To have him smile with such sweet innocence on seeing a baby kick, to watch his his face light up like a child's on Christmas morning when he feels a baby move, will never be mine to give.
Somehow, he sees a woman he loves enough to give up that miracle of seeing his child grow in my womb. I will never understand how or why, but I am grateful for it. Yes, that moment was heartbreaking, but it was also beautiful. I need to learn to focus on the sweetness of moments like that and not on the pain it causes because it is not me he is experiencing them with. I need to learn to accept myself for who and what God made me to be, He does not make mistakes.
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Psalms 139:14
God made me with a specific plan in mind and He will guide my steps on the path He has chosen for me.
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