The months of waiting for Josh's diversion to end were even harder after I failed to save that womans baby. Yes, I honestly felt, and still feel, that I failed that child. I felt that it was my fault, that I should have done more to ensure that that sweet innocent child got a chance at life. I had fallen head over heals in love with that baby and I could do nothing to save him or her from being taken from this world too soon.
I know deep down that it wasn't my fault, but knowing something and feeling it are two very different things. Feelings very often over-power knowledge, especially when it comes to something we care deeply about. I know it was not my fault, I know there was nothing I could have done, I know that I should not blame myself and yet, I do. It makes no logical sense to blame myself for the outcome, but I cant help it. It haunts me all the time.
Because of that, the wait for the diversion to be completed in November of 2010 was excruciating. I tried to keep a positive outlook on things and focus on all the things God had already blessed me with. I failed miserably now and then. But, even though I sometimes succumbed to the pain and confusion and anger, my faith was never shaken, it was never shattered, it was made stronger.
Even when I was in the depths of despair, when nothing seemed to be going right with the adoption process, I felt Gods love. I felt His arms around me and saw the wonderful works of His hands. I know He is not only with me in that pit of pain and anger, He is carrying me through the mire and will set me down again on solid ground.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground, and steadied me as I walked along. Psalms 40:2
There have been many moments when I felt that I was on that solid ground, when things appeared to be going the way they should. Then, in a heartbeat, I am back in the mire. It was not solid ground after all, simply a stepping stone in the mist of the mud and mire, a mirage of sorts. Placed there so I know that the solid ground is indeed real, that it will come. It has made my desire stronger each time it has happened and my heart aches each time that stepping stone is removed from under my feet.
I know that this does not happen to harm me or hurt me. I know it is for my good. I know that God sometimes breaks us to remake us. I know that in His time, I will be placed gently on that solid ground. Not just shown a mirage, not simply a given a taste of what could be, but really truly placed on that solid ground and given the best gift I will ever receive, the gift of a child.
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