I Am a Mom, Just Like You. At Least in Part...

I am a mom, just like you.  At least, in some ways.  But there are so many, painfully obvious, ways in which I am very different and I realize I will always be an "outsider" in this motherhood journey.

Most days I feel like any other mom. I cook for my child, clean up toys numerous times during the day, play with my child, read to her, sing to her, kiss booboos, soothe tears, calm fears and chase after her making sure she stays safe and out of trouble.  But there are days when I reminded how very different I am than all the other mothers I know.  Yes, we all know the joy and frustration of parenthood, the messiness of having children that is outweighed by the overwhelming love we hold for them.  But, unlike the other moms I know, I can never fully partake in the full spectrum of motherhood.  Why not?  Well, I can never be a part of the beauty of pregnancy.

I can view it from afar, listen to the awe in the voices of pregnant moms as they tell of hearing their babies heartbeat for the first time, watch their faces shine as they rub their growing bellies and feel their little one kick and move.  It is an amazingly glorious and beautiful thing to see.  It also shows me how vastly different I am.  Being pregnant is like being in a special club, it is an experience like no other, something that sets those mothers apart from others, the joy of which I will never experience, except vicariously, through those elite and blessed women.

It this way, I can never fully be a part of the club we call motherhood.  Please do not mistake me, I would not change one moment of my journey to motherhood, nor would I trade the wonderful child I am so richly blessed with.  Yet, there remains a part of me that yearns to be a mother in full at some point, to be a mother that gets to hear her baby's heart beating strong, to feel the butterfly movement and kicks.  I know it is not meant to be.  I know that I am meant for other things.

Watching others revel in, or take for granted, that most amazing thing known as pregnancy, sometimes feels like a stab through my heart.  Yet, I can't help but smile through the pain, as I truly do feel such great joy and happiness for those women.  (Please, if you are pregnant, do not stop sharing the milestones, pictures and joys of your gift.  I really do love watching and hearing about it!)  I know pregnancy is not all sunshine and roses, believe me, I have been around enough pregnant women to know that it is also painful and, well, gross at times.  I still want to experience it.

Still, I am more richly blessed than any mother deserves to be.  I get to nurture and cherish the most amazing miracle, my Emma Love, and for that I praise God every moment of every day!  She is the child for which I prayed, my wish come true, better and more perfect than I could ever have dreamed.  Because of her, I am a mom, almost, just like you.