After our state adoption worker said she would not feel comfortable placing a child in our home because we admitted to having a drink or two with dinner occasionally, we had to decide what to do. Do we still work with the state in the hopes that 5-10 years down the road her mind will change? Do we see if there is any way to transfer to another branch? Or should we go ahead and choose a private adoption agency to work with instead?
It is not an easy decision to make. If we stay with the state and our current worker it could be years before she decides we are "good enough" to have a child. If we stay with the state but try to transfer to another branch there is a possibility that the request would be denied and we would be stuck where we are with no hope of having children in the foreseeable future. Of course, if we are able to transfer to another branch, there is a possibility that they would feel the same way as our current worker and we would be perpetually waiting till they deemed us "fit" parents.
Then there is the cost of private adoption. If we go through a private agency we have to find a way to come up with the 24k-27k it would cost to complete the adoption. It would be simple enough if we had that kind of money in savings or were able to get a grant that would help cover the costs but we do not and we cant apply for grants until we have an approved homestudy done. It seems we will end up having to take out an adoption loan if we go that route. My biggest concern with loans is the fact that we would end up starting our family in debt. Not how I pictured things but, if we have to do that in order to become parents I can live with it.
Josh and I decided to go ahead and start working with a private adoption agency that specializes in infant adoption. The agency, Open Adoption & Family Services, will cost us about 27k. It is not the cheapest agency but certainly not the most expensive either. OA&FS places an emphasis on keeping the lines of communication open between the adoptive families and the birth families in order to do what is best for the child. I know that open adoptions may not be easy in many ways but I feel that it will only be a benefit in the long run for our children. They will know where they come from, they will know that they are loved deeply by both us and their birth parents and that we all want what is best for them. They will never have to question where they came from and, I hope, they will never have to question who they are.
As for the cost, we have been approved for an adoption loan for about half of it through U.S. Bank and are looking into ways to raise the other half. Even though I am heartbroken by our state adoption workers decision and do not understand how we could be considered "unfit" to be parents, I know that God is in control and I trust fully in His leading. I admit to being weak and unable to handle all of this on my own. There are moments when I break down and cry and feel as if I will break, but God is with me through it all and His grace and strength are more then enough to carry me though.
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christs power may rest on me. That is why, for Christs sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
Even though I feel that we wasted 3 years trying to work with the state to adopt, I know that God was just using that time to break me in order to remake me and to work His perfect will in my life. We may make plans and dream dreams but God knows what is best and directs our steps to His perfect ending. It may not come about the way we wanted or ever imagined but it will be better than we could ever hope, more perfect than we could ever dream.
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