Hope Raised, Hope Shattered

In August of 2010 a good friend of mine told me about a young woman who was pregnant and did not want to keep the baby. This young woman was trying to decide between abortion and adoption. My friend was trying to talk her into adoption and told her about Josh and I. 


I was able to get in contact with this young woman and it seemed that she was open to adoption and willing to consider Josh and I as the potential adoptive parents. I was hopeful and prayed often that God would guide this young woman to the right decision for the baby. I knew that might mean that she chose someone else as the parents but at least the baby would live.


I felt that somehow God had brought us to this place and this was the plan all along. I felt the DUI was somehow part of Gods plan in order to bring us to this point, to show us that He has a child all ready being made just for us. I did not initially tell Josh about it because I wanted to have a definite answer from this mother as to whether or not she was going to allow us to adopt this precious baby.


I told my mom and asked her to pray for us and this situation, to pray that regardless of whether or not the woman choice Josh and I as the parents that she would at least choose life and give the baby to a good family. My hope and joy were to be short lived.

After the initial contact with the woman and discussing the possibility of adoption, she seemed open to it and willing to consider Josh and I as the potential adoptive parents. Then came a few weeks in which I did not hear from her at all. I had hoped that she was simply taking some time to think things through and discuss everything with her family and friends. 


It was a few weeks later that my friend told me the devastating news, the woman had chosen to abort the pregnancy. She was 4 months along. My heart was broken and I could not control the tears and anger and sadness that seemed to permeate every pore. I had fallen in love with that baby and I felt as if I had lost my own child. It was unreal how deeply I felt for a child I had never met.


In the midst of my pain God impressed a poem of hurt and hope on my heart: 


One life taken, so shortly begun. Two hearts broken, hope shattered, undone. The pain of loss of a child not yet known, but loved so deeply we called it our own.
On my knees I fall in tears and in pain and cry to the Lord for His helping hand. "When O Lord," I cry from my knees, "will I get to be, the mother that I've always wanted to be? How long till I get to hold in my arms my sweet little angel, my beloved baby?"
"Patience my daughter I have a child just for thee" God says as He wraps his arms round and holds my softly. "The road might seem long and the wait hard to bear, but trust me my child, I'll always be there. Your child is precious, as precious can be. So, patience my daughter, I've a child just for thee."


Those who  have lost a child, through miscarriage or any other means, can relate to the pain of loss. I know that this baby was never truly mine yet I felt so connected and loved this baby so much that I felt the loss just as much as if the child had truly been my own. I could not, at first, understand how this could be part of Gods plan. I did know that God would carry me through this and heal my heart.


He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalms 147.3  


I still ache and mourn the loss of that precious baby, but I do not mourn without hope. I know that that child is being held close by God in heaven and that He has a child waiting for me. I will meet that precious little one in His time. 


The loss of that baby was an extremely painful and heartbreaking experience and I could not understand what the purpose was. I think I now understand why I had to go through it. I feel that God allowed me this experience to show me that regardless of how I become a mother,  I will love each of my children very deeply and they will be mine in the most important way. They will be children of my heart.